"Life is beautiful,but its complicated."Those are lyrics from a song that are so true....and at this point in time,reflect my thoughts on life,in a nutshell.
As we get older, aren't we supposed to be figuring things out and ironing out creases of doubt and insecurities, making decisions, making choices, moving forward and learning how to let go.....well that's what I thought as a teenager anyways and I remember impatiently waiting to graduate to adulthood,under the working impression that in that 'grown-up future' I coveted so, I would have life sorted... well most of it at least.
Now in my late twenties,I'm thinking "FUCK!!! How deluded was I??!!"
1. I am still cloaked in doubt and insecurities,just cunningly masked as false bravado.
2.Possessing the autonomy to make decisions and choices unfortunately can only be relished if you know what it is you want,and well..... if you don't know then, it has the disastrous potential to set off a chain reaction of fuck-ups.
3.As for moving forward and letting go... haha easier said than done,especially for someone who hates change.That's a sign of autism I believe?! I have had a pretty awesome run so far.... the unbelieveable spectrum of people I've met, the cities I've lived in, the friends I've made, the sights and sounds I've been witness to.. so on and so forth.... and as contradicting as I realise this sounds,I wish none of it ended!
Being home this Decemeber passed just added fuel to the fire. It was the best and worst time I've had ever. I realised that there are somethings/situations that just refuse to be let go off. There is an inexplicable axis that we revolve around and gravitate towards...we always have and probably always will.
All the talks, and arguements and tantrums, the face painting, the shopping and the dinners, the beers and the laughter, the games of pool and the dancing,the lazy afternoons on the couch,the drunken mumblings and midnight drives,Herbie Hancock and Joni Mitchell and afternoon drives in the rain,chapatis and Coke beverages gone to waste,late night penthouse ramblings with S&C,Indiana Jones monopoly because you knew I'd get a kick out of it.....
There are about a dozen other little things I remember..... I wish I didn't, that I couldn't ... but I do...so there.
I hope that one day in place of doubt, I will find faith
In place of insecurity,confidence and edge,
That the choices I decide to make will keep me true to myself, and finally....
That we will one day find a truce, whatever it may be.
-Life is beautiful, but it's complicated.
We barely make it.
We don't need to understand,
There are miracles, miracles.-
1 comment:
"Aren't we supposed to be figuring things out and ironing out creases of doubt and insecurities, making decisions, making choices..."
I think the problem is that when we were younger we didn't realise just how many decisions (huge, life-altering decisions) you have to make when you are older. And that it's no good just waiting it out and refusing to make a decision. Because then the passing of time will make a decision for you. The older I get the more I realise that it only gets more and more complicated. And adults are even less equipped to deal with these situations than young people are, because when you are younger you are less likely to see all the angles and problems, less likely to over-analyse everything half to death. And there's the fact that when you are older, you expect more of yourself. How many times have you thought, "I'm X years old, I should be able to handle this / do this / understand this / figure this out."
Anyway, this rambling doesn't come with a coherent conclusion, just a mixed-up observation after a weekend of not being able to piece it all together and get my head round it. I hope all is well with you, Karen! You are still very much missed.
M xx
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