Thursday, April 19, 2012


Ideals! We all have them.... some inculcated over the course of our upbringing, some from ideas that we stumble upon in the books that we read and make us think about various issues/concepts in a multi-tangential manner, from movies that touch our hearts- be it a an entire production or just a fleeting scene, from songwriters that wax lyrical about love and life and everything in between, and finally ideals that are borne of epiphanies from our everyday experience of life as we know it.

Is Idealism,especially in this day and age fraught with skepticism,toxic cynisicm, realism, dangerous? Does an idealist condemn themself to a life of dissapointment,social alienation, mental and emotional isolation??
Is one considered to be a 'child', naive,delusional and just blatantly stupid if they still hold on to certain ideas that they treasure-refusing to let go of the possiblity that they do exist- and by extension refuses to settle for anything less??
I am fully aware that we don't live in a perfect world and frankly I think it would be an extremely monotonous existence if everything was perfect.There would be no contrast- beauty and love and peace and happiness would all be painted in a single tone, making for a very bland canvas.

I am 30 now, and one thing is for sure,(and much to my own disspointment and chagrin)- over the last 17 years,part of me has succumbed and resigned to the fact that maybe what I seek out in life is too much......and that maybe it really only does exist in what everyone quotes as "in an ideal world.....". Part of me has surrended to the brow beating, ridiculing,negating and side way looks that usually follow my expression of a principle or view point of how I see certain things.

The other part of me somewhere deep deep down still believes that there is that one true great magnanimous love- someone who is my true north. I still believe that there is such a thing as true unconditional,unfailing and forever binding friendship. Finally, as trying and as difficult as it is to even envision it,I cling to the hope that one day,human beings will be able to co-exist in a world without borders,as races without colour in faith without religions.

These are my ideals and therein lies my hope.....

Will I find some peace and happiness,if I let them go and live in stoic acceptance and endurance of the current status quo?

What's left then???

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

lyrical truth

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye.
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry.

You float like a feather,
In a beautiful world.
I wish I was special,
You're so fuckin' special.

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here.

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control.
I want a perfect body,
I want a perfect soul.

I want you to notice,
when I'm not around.
You're so fuckin' special,
I wish I was special.

She's running out again
She's running out
She run run run run...
run... run...

Whatever makes you happy,
Whatever you want.
You're so fuckin' special,
I wish I was special.

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here.

I don't belong here......


Monday, April 12, 2010

for my father

I remember......

...I must have been no more than 5,sitting in the hall with you on the carpet,playing with this multi-coloured toy set from Kathy's Toys, and Aretha Franklin was playing in the background.

...staying back in school for band practise and you walking over from the hospital with a packet of fried rice to give to me. and me jogging around Padang Timur, me clearly struggling to keep up with your laps... motivated solely by the fact that there would be a gorgeous Rootbeer float at the end of it.

...reading the newspaper comic strips with you on the couch. playing air guitar to Springsteen.

...the hospital trips to Langkawi and Camerons taking me to see Yentl.... all i remember from that was this massive screen and a shot of some bridge... How old was I?? 4?5?

...all of us going to Rex cinema in KL at some ungodly hour at night and trying to buy tickets for Jurassic Park. Do you remember that???? taking me to see Indiana Jones in the cinema as a child. I think that was my first movie in the cinema. Thank you for bringing Spielberg into our lives! taught me how to sketch the human face and form.

...sharpening my pencils for me before the school tests.

...when I was interested in supernatural phenomena and the extra-terrestial, you bought me beautiful books on them, and when I was into basketball, you got my Michael Jordan's biography. and mummy taking me to Swensen's Ice-cream parlour after my Primary 2 prize-giving ceremony.

...the red BMX that 'magically appeard' on Christmas night... in the front porch. I still don't know how you managed that!

...the stupendous display of fireworks that you and mummy put on for us every year throughout our childhood. sitting on the carpet and sowing ribbons into my ballet shoes. being the only father sitting in on Parent's Day at ballet class.

...thinking to myself when you were walking out (tie and shirt and all)with me,in Form 2,-
"This is my dad.... tall, elegant, brilliant!!!" I remember feeling really proud and safe walking next to you.

...and the memories go on and nauseum ad infinitum.

You truly are a unique individual,father,husband,doctor.....
you are my renaissance man.


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

it's complicated

"Life is beautiful,but its complicated."Those are lyrics from a song that are so true....and at this point in time,reflect my thoughts on life,in a nutshell.

As we get older, aren't we supposed to be figuring things out and ironing out creases of doubt and insecurities, making decisions, making choices, moving forward and learning how to let go.....well that's what I thought as a teenager anyways and I remember impatiently waiting to graduate to adulthood,under the working impression that in that 'grown-up future' I coveted so, I would have life sorted... well most of it at least.

Now in my late twenties,I'm thinking "FUCK!!! How deluded was I??!!"

1. I am still cloaked in doubt and insecurities,just cunningly masked as false bravado.

2.Possessing the autonomy to make decisions and choices unfortunately can only be relished if you know what it is you want,and well..... if you don't know then, it has the disastrous potential to set off a chain reaction of fuck-ups.

3.As for moving forward and letting go... haha easier said than done,especially for someone who hates change.That's a sign of autism I believe?! I have had a pretty awesome run so far.... the unbelieveable spectrum of people I've met, the cities I've lived in, the friends I've made, the sights and sounds I've been witness to.. so on and so forth.... and as contradicting as I realise this sounds,I wish none of it ended!

Being home this Decemeber passed just added fuel to the fire. It was the best and worst time I've had ever. I realised that there are somethings/situations that just refuse to be let go off. There is an inexplicable axis that we revolve around and gravitate towards...we always have and probably always will.
All the talks, and arguements and tantrums, the face painting, the shopping and the dinners, the beers and the laughter, the games of pool and the dancing,the lazy afternoons on the couch,the drunken mumblings and midnight drives,Herbie Hancock and Joni Mitchell and afternoon drives in the rain,chapatis and Coke beverages gone to waste,late night penthouse ramblings with S&C,Indiana Jones monopoly because you knew I'd get a kick out of it.....

There are about a dozen other little things I remember..... I wish I didn't, that I couldn't ... but I there.

I hope that one day in place of doubt, I will find faith
In place of insecurity,confidence and edge,
That the choices I decide to make will keep me true to myself, and finally....
That we will one day find a truce, whatever it may be.

-Life is beautiful, but it's complicated.

We barely make it.
We don't need to understand,
There are miracles, miracles.-

Thursday, January 07, 2010


spoons/hospitals/pool/moe/waikiki/tropicana/holmes/dr parnassus/tie-check/midnight mass/lazy afternoons under the porch and on the couch/christmas presents/conversations on a swing/gabriel/will you miss me-must you ask/getting down with the locals in masjid india/sheevan/hair sniffing/beers and a battle of the sexes in a penthouse with a view/carolling with a sweep of fringe/indiana jones monopoly/rose/runner up in scene it/cathy/lost in translation with a old town tailor/CIMB bank ....your husband??/the happy noise of christmas at daisy's/donovan/scattered purple hues/laughter and newly christened camera whores at rose's parents'/NYE satay and stories of yesteryear at rose's brother's/gerard/blackjack till the break of dawn/mamak after midnight/alex/tiger died/new year-same situation/glad to have been present/wish it could last/no regrets

Monday, August 10, 2009

for those who get it.....really get it!

The following post is what happens when 2 old friends burn the hours of the night away,online, exchanging video clips of TRULY LEGENDARY collaborations between some of the most ingenious individuals.....the rest I will leave for The Boss to speak on....

(Moe... here's to rock and roll.... at its best ;))


Thursday, July 30, 2009

jackson and a different five

......written with much love,for Cathy,Moe,Sheevan and Donovan.......

As with previous trips home,this time round was nothing short of awesome.... the "Man I really don't want this to end" kinda awesome. It was a Friday night, and a significant number of APM members had just attended the production of "The Phantom of the Opera",a valiant effort by the students of Beaconhouse school. The highlight of the evening was however undoubtedly Cathy and Gabriel's performance of the soundtrack ....friggin flawless!!!

Following that, a few of us adjourned to an old haunt,Asia Cafe for games of pool to be had. An hour passed, balls were being pocketed, or not (in my case), beers were being sipped, jokes were being made and then out of nowhere it happened...... 2 notes of music bolted across the pool hall that catapulted Cathy and me out of our seats. I say this without exaggeration- it really felt like a bolt of lightning when we heard it- DIRTY DIANA!!! And then the staff did the unthinkable and switched CDs techno at that!!!! Who does something like that?????
MICHAEL JACKSON got dismissed for Techno.... again.... WHO DOES THAT???!!!!

Anyways,Cathy and I were not impressed... not at all..... and I very nicely requested that they please play that song.... let the WHOLE song play. Those who know me well enough know that I'm not one of those people who go up requesting for songs or demanding change of CDs.... but this had to be was a knee-jerk reflex!!!

They eventually found the CD, and played the song.... and then next song came on and it was Billie Jean..... and the next was Smooth Criminal... and it went on and on hohohoh JACKPOT!!! Thank you Asia Cafe dude. All's forgiven:)

In the midst of this,I took a step back....and there we were, Cathy and me dancing in between shots, Sheevan,Moe and Donovan.
5 good friends..... catching up around the pool table,and
Michael Jackson electrifying the air. that is PERFECTION!!!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

time to say goodbye

Man,its been awhile.... and alot has happened in 'awhile'. Completed my second year of residency,got a hair cut, said goodbye to Glasgow, went home for abit,moved to Melbourne...... all in the space of 1 year.

So yes- I truly truly enjoyed my training in the UK.It was amazing and shitty and fun and difficult and manic and sad and everything in between.It was the ultimate love-hate relationship and IT ROCKED!!!! I went from a timid,not so confident,totally wet behind the ears junior doctor to a more out-spoken,comfortable in my own skin, confident senior house officer.... a rite of passage I think EVERYONE goes through... in any walk of life. As one of my consultants told me- "Now at the end of it all.. you've got some hair on your chest!!"

As for the colleagues,I was fortunate enough to work with some world class surgeons and physicians,eccentric perfectionists who inspire...... amazing nurses,too many to mention,some of whom were like mothers, some like porters-Malchie,George,Vinnie-legends,absolute legends... and of course fellow peers and seniors.....WE HAD SOME FUN!!
As cringingly cliche as this is going to sound, it is because of the bonds formed between these people that the job was never just a job!!

Saying goodbye to everyone in Glasgow was probably one of the hardest things I've had to do in a long long time. 5 years of friendships which will undoubtedly remain lifelong,5 years of laughter,tears,walks,talks,dancing,making snow angels,movie marathons....and most importantly-5 years of self discovery.

BUT...... paraphrasing the immortal words of George Harrison-
"All (good) things must pass."

Friday, March 06, 2009

Thursday, February 12, 2009

remembering E.T.

........ may you rest in Peace!!!

So I'm half way through my rotation in Emergency Medicine...... And I have to say,I'm loving it.Admittedly so, it doesn't share the same pyrotechnic drama as E.R. exudes,but I can say it comes pretty damn close, sometimes.Just when I thought that the rate of my learning curve was at its peak,2 months in Accident&Emergency has propelled it into overdrive. Every day,I leave with a mark on me,kindly bestowed upon by patients.This mark I mention is not one of a physical nature,but one of a mental and sometimes emotional mark. Yes there are those who are culpable of contributing towards a brewing misanthropy that sometimes inevitably gets the better of me.... but just I'm about to succumb to the "This is just a job." philosophy,some comes along and saves you.... and lets face it every so often, we all could do with a little be of saving!

Recently,I was fortunate to meet such an individual.He was a young chap,my age,with a rare terminal illness.He was brought in by ambulance,unconscious.We resuscitated and stabilized him, as best as possible, and he was subsequently admitted to the wards.Many said that this was it,he had decompensated and his time was precious.8 hours later,I stopped by his room,his mum was by his side,hand on his lifeless ankle at the foot of the bed.I said hello, and asked he had woken up at all.A feeble "No" trembled out of her.In situations like these, there really is nothing one can say.... words of comfort and consolation fall on deaf ears, because no matter how sincerely you mean to say that "Everything will be ok", at the time, all parties concerned know that everything kinda sucks and isn't going to be okay. So really why say anything?
I said goodnight and that I'd try and stop by again tomorrow.

36-ish hours later,a nurse comes over and tells me that he is sitting up and eating.Amazing.I will never be able to fully articulate the relief and joy I felt when I heard that.... and then when I walked into his room to see him wolfing down strawberries.... It really is quite a high-not because I had anything to do with him waking up.. I DIDN'T!It was the mere fact that he was awake.

I remember thinking when I was initially attending to him in A&E, and hearing his parents and relatives talk about him.... that I wished I could've spoken to the guy.... even if it was just a couple of syllables... I wished that I could've looked him in the face, and said "Nice to meet you!!"
Turned out I did get to that just that.. and a little more. He told me of his plans to travel once he got out of the hospital.He told me of his obsession with Garlic Naans and Dosas.

I wished E.T. well. He thanked me,gave me a high five and smiled!
I will never forget that smile.

He passed away a month later

Every so often,I find myself questioning why the hell I chose Medicine as a path to walk, and sadly I often fail to divine an answer.I don't regret it but I do wonder why.
And then you meet the likes of E.T., and they are the answers.

Friday, January 16, 2009

of the final scene

Rummaging through my DVDs, I rediscovered one of my all time favourite childhood movies....... ABSOLUTE FAVOURITE. I remember getting my parents to play and re-play and re-play the record soundtrack, whilst I tried desperately to imitate the dancers in this,ingeniously orchestrated finale..........
they were swans, beautiful creatures that dazzled... me not so much!

I sing the Body Electric
I sing the me yet to come.
I toast to my own reunion
When I become one with the sun.

And I'll look back on Venus,
I'll look back on Mars.
And I'll burn with the fire of 10 million stars,
And in time, and in time,
We will all be stars.

I sing the Body Electric,
I glory in the glow of rebirth.
Creating my tomorrow,
When I shall embody the earth.

And I'll serenade Venus,
I'll serenade Mars.
And I'll burn with the fire of 10 million stars,
And in time and in time,
We will all be stars.

"The Body Electric" from Fame,The Movie

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

a Christmas letter

Dearest Mum and Dad,

Do you remember....

1. Staying up late, baking the Christmas cake.
2. Decorating the tree... oh so meticulously with Dad.
3. Combing the shops for that perfect star that would never sit quite straight on the tree.
4. Carolling practise with the neighbours.
5. Midnight mass and carol singing.
6. Opening presents after.
7. Lounging with you guys sipping Port and just being....
8. Blasting Christmas carols on the record player.
9. Assunta Hospital's annual children's Christmas party.
10.Mum's elaborate Christmas spread.
11.1998's Christmas play.
12.Arnie under the Christmas tree.
13. Christmas shopping with you guys and Mark.
14.The smell of the Christmas tree wafting through the house in the mornings.

As Celine Dion sang- " These are the special times. Times we'll remember."

Its Christmas all over again, and every carol I listen too brings back one memory or another. The ghosts of my Christmasses passed have resurfaced,,.. and I'd give anything to relive those moments.

Thank you? That's the best I can come up with. Thank you for our awesome, rocking Christmasses as children.
Thank you for the gift of love and warmth that you both gave us.... not just during Christmas but for the entirety of our lives so far.

All my love,

Friday, October 24, 2008

australia dreaming

Erghhhh... Talk about a dry spell. This could possibly be attributed to the fact that its been a fairly busy month in the world of Plastics,and usually by the time my feet touchdown at home, all capacity to do/think anything has dissipated.Just the other day I gargled with Pantence 'Ice Formula' shampoo instead of Listerine Orange mouthwash!!! WTH!!
So,as one might imagine,most evenings,its inconceivable to try and formulate reasonable thought processes that would then have to be translated to coherent sentences onto the blog. As it is, even on a normal baseline, when I've not been run off my feet on a 13 hour shift, you'll be lucky to get an entire sentence that ends with a full stop. They're usually clusters of words,jauntily strung together, interrupted with a preposition here, a question mark there and then they fade away.....


Come end of July, I would've finished my 2nd year of general training. What happens after...Jack only knows!!!Various issues with immigration have severely mitigated job opportunites for the Non-EU doctor.Furthermore,the current global economic blackhole that we find ourselves getting sucked into is not doing annnnyone annnnny favours!!!!
With all that said though,I think its time for a change of scene... and in view of the weather over the last week....its definitely time.
For the past 2 weeks, the sun in Glasgow has been held hostage by Cumulonimbus and gang!! And of course the rain just doesn't know when to stop... and is fervently abetted by the wind,which over the past 2 days has been terrorising the people of Glasgow.You need gravity belts to walk in a straight line and stop yourself from experiencing lift off!
There is only one word that comes to mind regarding the vicissitudinous climate at present-APOCALYPTIC!

So yes, converging back to the topic at hand, Australia has become the much favoured and most likely option.I've never been, but based on photographs of holidays taken, and various conversations with friends who now live there, it sounds pretty damn amazing!
Great weather, great work hours, great outdoors....yep!AMAZING!

So here I go,embarking on the trudge through all the red tape and paper work and online work *yuck*................bound for The Land Down Under.

"Hi.I'm Karen-doctor by day,beach hippy by night!"..... and then she wakes up!

Sunday, September 28, 2008


Mindlessly browsing the Internet today, I stumble upon tragic news..... Paul Newman, has passed away at 83, on the 26th of September 2008. Its one of those things you know at some point will inevitably happen, and you dread the day you read of it! Well it happened and I read about it 36 hours later.

It would be ridiculous to say that I am deeply saddened to hear of this loss, seeing as I have never met/ personally known Mr. Newman, BUT I AM SAD and it IS A JARRING LOSS.The wonderful world of movies (NOT Hollywood) is just that bit fractured.

Thank you for The Sting, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Cool Hand Luke, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Message in a Bottle, Fat Man and Little Boy, The Hustler, The Colour of Money.... and so many many more.

You did it with grace, integrity and style.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008


Obama-McCain/Hurricane Gustav/Evacuation of New Orleans/Oil prices/Georgia-Russia/Iraq-Bush... its one global orgy I tell you..... and on a much smaller scale.... I have come off a week of nights.... a week of carrying the trauma page, which afforded me the 'privilege' me to take part in another orgy of sorts. One of bloods, exposed pulsating ulnar arteries, 14 year old sons who bite their fathers' finger off, slashed wrists form drunken falls, bottle fights, and some. Its been a busy week, and as much as I enjoyed it, working nights can be a dreadfully anti-social existence and I'm glad for this brief reprieve.
Anyways, I was reading this afternoon and stumbled upon some really amazing quotes that made me smile.... just what I needed after a week that didn't stop! These are just a few....

Do I love you because you're beautiful,
Or are you beautiful because I love you?

~Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II, Cinderella~

An old man in love is like a flower in winter.

All love is probationary, a fact which frightens women and exhilarates men.
~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966~

A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.

~George Jean Nathan~

...and finally.. I thought this was just perfect,absolutely brilliant.This one was written for me!!!! Hahah those of you who know me well will understand!;)

INFATUATION is when you think he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners.
LOVE is when you realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford - but you'll take him anyway.

~Judith Viorst, Redbook, 1975~

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

4 lines,1 thought

She walks to the beat of her own drum,
Sometime with a smile, sometimes not ... but always with a hum.
Life has been interesting to say the least,
Fate has made a game of her, what a beast!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

its a love/hate thing

Yesterday, I walked out of the hospital gates a Junior House Officer (JHO), and this morning I walked back through those same gates as a Senior House Officer,(SHO). What a difference a day makes eh...... for that matter what a difference 3 letters make,but I am still the same me... maybe a little tougher... maybe a little braver. It's been a year since I graduated, a year spent in the trenches.... only a year, and all off a sudden I'm a senior.... the lowest in the hierarchy of seniors, but a senior all the same. Holy Crap... are the words that come to mind, as I try and grapple with the responsibility that comes with these 3 letters. Sure the learning curve over the last 12 months was on an escalation of exponential dimensions, and I'm glad to be done with it........but still HOLY FRIGGIN CRAP!!!!

Anyways, with all that said..... This last year as an intern has been the best and the worst ... errr say 40-60%.... maybe 30-70.... nahhh 40-60!

Of my patients.....
I've met people from all walks of life.... mostly from the more worse off walks of life.
I've seen how physical pain can break a grown man down to his knees, crying his pain away.... only it won't go away!
I've been apart of a 3-women a side team trying to hold a drunk in withdrawal whilst someone else tried to cannulate him..... that was a long morning!
Thinking back, there were some pretty heavy conversations as well. Between an elderly lady who was vomitting 500-1000mls of fresh blood every night. Endoscopy to look for the source of the bleed and plug it was attempted,but unfortunately, because she was too frail and carried excess baggage of other co-morbidities, she very nearly suffered a respiratory arrest. As one might imagine, any subsequent ideas to invasively investigate/intervene was abandoned, and blood transfusions was a temporary reprieve. So there she was, stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea.
How do you explain to an 90 year old that it would not be possible to keep giving her blood indefinitely?? How do you ask someone whether she would allow us to stop with transfusions..... and essentially let her die. We did ask explain the situation and we did ask the question.... and in return, she pleaded with us to continue and not to give up .... "Miracles do happen.... and there's so much I want to see and do still", was what she said to me, with eyes that reflected infinite hope! What do you say to that?
She passed away in her sleep over that weekend.

Its not been all grim and gore..... I've had a great many laughs with some of them. Elderly folk can be soooo cheeky and some of them have the most mischievous sense of humour. They'll flirt with you and call you 'a real doll'.... and when you've been working 13 hour every day for the last week, this little gesture goes a long way... a really long way :)

Of my colleagues....

I have had the privilege to work alongside some pretty amazing consultant physicians. Special mention goes out to 'Prof'.....old-school through and through, this man is a legend, and I had the honour of being on his ward rounds and watch him practice medicine. That was pretty sweet I have to say. Standing in the presence of such greatness, imbued me with hope that maybe one day I might be as good a doctor (or somewhat close) as 'Prof' is.....just maybe eh?!

With all that said..... there are still those days, when I hate my job.. the politics... the snark.... the hostility... the impatience....the feeling that alot of the time you're walking on egg shells. And then I recall my parents warning me all those years ago that this was a 'tough one' to sink your teeth into... but at the same time it can be the best thing in the world. It is at these points of exasperation and frustration that I think.... maybe I should have gone all the way with ballet, or become a writer.. or something..... anything but medicine.

Why put oneself through all the angst and stress and sleep deprivation and.... and stress... FOR WHAT?????
I've asked myself that question again and again and.....again..... and I have yet to divine as answer.
Maybe I never will....

All I know is this... that there will be those dark moments when I'll curse the day I chose to become a doctor..... and there will be the better days when I'll think to myself,"Man.... this really is AWESOME.... this being a doctor thing!

Monday, July 28, 2008

feet in mid-air

Solitude, such a lonely word, such a scary thought. I always thought that the word sounded like a vacumm, a black hole that sucked everything in and that was it ... .... there you'd be.... alone in limbo.

I've moved. I've been moved for almost a month now. My dear flatmate graduated, with honours I might add (that was specially put in for you Henk;)), and is now sailing the breadths of Croatia before another chapter of his life unfolds down in London. His departure from Glasgow meant that I would either have to move out into a new flat or much to my chagrin, look for a new flatmate. After a very brief, almost obligatory deliberation, I decided I was going to go it alone for this next year. I figured it was time that I lived by myself.... at least for a year. I've always wanted to try it... and the time was now. I am single, I can afford it ( well.. barely), so why the hell not!

It was love at first sight, this flat and I. I mean literally.. no sooner that it was showed to me that I said " Yes, I take you, Flat 0/1.. for better or worse ...."

I have to say, it took a little getting used, not so much the fact that I was coming home to an empty flat, but more the fact that it would remain empty throughout the night and the next morning when I woke up. It was just me and the comforting drone of the refridgerator.

However, as Father Time continues to hum along, I have grown accustomed to the silence. I think we all need that time in our lives, time to ourselves, and space to just be!

To twirl about the living room to the sounds of The Cat Empire.
To spend a lazy, debaucherous Saturday afternoon eating strawberry cheese cake ice-cream whilst going through an entire season of Sex and the City.
To just lie on the couch upside-down,feet dangling in the air and just ...BE!

The more I think about it now, as I write this, I'm beginning to wonder.....

Solitude..... could it just maybe turn out to be the greatest adventure of our lives???... That is should we be bold and brave enough to embark upon it! ;)

Friday, July 25, 2008

the sound of magic

So I'm sitting here at my dining table, trying to buckle down and get some studying done.... only I have made a grave mistake by putting on a particular CD in the living room-"The Spielberg/Williams Collaboration". You see, a million years ago,being the fan of Spielberg movies that my parents knew me to be, they found me this CD during one of their routine jaunts to the record store. It was perfect. I recall the first time I listened to it, and as cringe worthy as this next bit threatens to sound, I have to say that the sound was overwhelming, literally,... it really did feel absolutely magical. So here I was 10 minutes before starting this post, slowly slipping into a John Williams' induced hypnotic state as I remembered each movie, the first time I watched them, with whom, where ......some of the most amazing scenes from these films.... at which point the idea for this entry sprung to mind....

So ...... here it is, in no particular order...... my most beloved movie themes-

1) E.T. (John Williams)
2) EMPIRE OF THE SUN ( John Williams)
3) RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (John Williams)
4) SCHINDLER'S LIST (John Williams)
5) ALWYAS (John Williams)
6) JURASSIC PARK (John Williams)
7) STAR WARS (John Williams)
8) BACK TO THE FUTURE (Alan Silvestri)
9) CHARIOTS OF FIRE (Vangelis)
11) OUT OF AFRICA (John Barry)
12) THE MISSION (Ennio Morricone)
13) YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (John Barry)
14) THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN (Elmer Bernstein)
15) BORN ON THE FOURTH OF JULY (John Williams)

Whether its on horseback through the Western wilderness, over the moon with E.T. or flying over flamingoes in Africa, every single one of these soundtracks have left indelible echoes in my subconscious and undoubtedly in millions of others too.

These are the sounds of Greatness, Adventure, Infinity, Romance, Idealism, Amazement... and Magic!

Music that will always manage to make me tear and baptize with goosebumps....lots and lots of GOOSEBUMPS!!!!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

a little bit of silliness

Most recent movie watched - "In the Land of Women"

What I thought of it- Yeah... it was alright. Olympia Dukakis was brilliant.

Anything else I'd like to specially mention- OH YES! MOST DEFINITELY! ADAM BRODY PLAYED PROTAGONIST.... and it is at this point in the post that the silliness shall ensue....

Seriously! Scruffy hair, worn down jeans,shirts with jumpers over them,Converse.... the very epitome of Boho basically, topped off with pilot sunglasses!!! Seriously!

And from an acting perspective, admittedly so besides the OC and the above-mentioned movie, he hasn't been in much ....yet. But, But..... it has to be said that he pulls of sarcastic one liners... or more .... beautifully.. even better that Chandler Bing.

Ok.... so there!! I've said what I have to say... as juvenile as some may think it to be.. as mindless and ditzy as I do realise this post is ......I don't care!

Its my blog, and I'll say that....
Adam Brody is a huge bundle of loveliness , if I want to!! ;)

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

music and lyrics by leonard cohen

It's four in the morning, the end of December
I'm writing you now just to see if you're better
New York is cold, but I like where I'm living
There's music on Clinton Street all through the evening.

I hear that you're building your little house deep in the desert
You're living for nothing now,
I hope you're keeping some kind of record.

Yes, and Jane came by with a lock of your hair
She said that you gave it to her
That night that you planned to go clear
Did you ever go clear?

And you treated my woman to a flake of your life
And when she came back she was nobody's wife.

Well I see you there with the rose in your teeth
One more thin gypsy thief
Well I see Jane's awake --

She sends her regards.
And what can I tell you my brother, my killer
What can I possibly say?
I guess that I miss you, I guess I forgive you
I'm glad you stood in my way.

If you ever come by here, for Jane or for me
Your enemy is sleeping, and his woman is free.

Yes, and thanks, for the trouble you took from her eyes
I thought it was there for good so I never tried.

And Jane came by with a lock of your hair
She said that you gave it to her
That night that you planned to go clear

famous blue raincoat

(L. Cohen) Stranger Music, Inc.

Friday, July 11, 2008

how true....

......and perfectly put it was, when Isak Dinesen said,

"When the Gods want to punish you, they answer your prayers."

so true.......

Tuesday, July 08, 2008


Seeing as I'm in a Leonard-melancholic-Cohen state of mind just now, I thought it most appropriate to mark 'All the World's A Stage's 100th post with a song by one of my favourite poet/lyricist.........

In my secret life
In my secret life
In my secret life
In my secret life

I saw you this mornin'
You were moving so fast
Can't seem to loosen my grip
On the past.

And I miss you so much
There's no one in sight
And we're still making love.

In my secret life
In my secret life

I smile when I'm angry
I cheat and I lie
I do what I have to do
To get by.

But I know what is wrong
And I know what is right
And I'd die for the truth.

In my secret life
In my secret life

Hold on, hold on my brother
My sister hold on tight
I finally got my orders
I'll be marchin'through the morning
Marchin' through the night
Movin' through the borders of my secret life.

Looked through the paper
Makes you want to cry
Nobody cares if the people
Live or die.
And the dealers want you thinkin'
That its either black or white
Thank God its not that simple
In my secret life.

I bite my lip
I buy what I'm told
From the latest hit
To the wisdom of old.

But I'm always alone
And my heart is like ice
And its crowded and cold.

In my secret life
In my secret life
In my secret life

In my secret life

-my secret life-
leonard cohen & sharon robinson

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

of the 4 legged tripod

.....And as I looked around the table at Bothy's restaurant, there they all sat, gleaming graduates with their respective families.... and eventhough its been a year since I graduated, I was very much apart of the congregation that evening. It was lovely and heartbreaking all at once... because I knew then, that it would probably be the last time for a long time that the 4 of us would sit at a table together!

So... this one's for the 3 legs of that Tripod.....

A jarring laugh we both share,
It commands chaos, smiles and resounds through the air.
I crowned her 'The Teardrop' a million years ago,
Always at the right place at the right time,she has been my angel,with a halo aglow.
I will always remember piggy back rides through town on a whim,
Julie, I promise the next time we meet, I'd have learnt how to swim ;)

Now,the exotic of the quartet,
An extraordinary rock chic who can throw a spectacular fret.
Be it in the vet school, or the dance floor, she always looks the part,
Setting the perfect example, dancing to the beat of her own heart. horse-loving ,Flamenco dancing, fellow Bohemian,
True beauty and true love is yours for the taking,
Morgane, Morgane, our Parisian-New Yorker one in a million!

Blessed with innate glamour and elegance,
Oh me!Oh my! Can Fogarty dance!!!
She's Korean today, Irish yesterday, Russian tomorrow,
Still trying to work on the Indian though.;)
Anywhere, anytime the biggest smile in the room,
From ear to ear, she dispells all gloom.

We've been through Winters, Springs, Summers and Falls,
4 girls met 4 years ago at Wolfson Halls.
Thank you for the memories, the laughs,all the movies in between,
The endless chats,dancing till dawn......and the millionth time we watched that Notebook Scene :)

So here's to four souls who couldn't be anymore different yet so similar.... may we find the answers to all those questions we once posed!

I love you all ... and will miss you like hell!!!

Sunday, June 29, 2008

2 weeks to a lifetime

I finally got round to watching the highly anticipated silver screen presentation of Sex And The City, and am delighted to report that there were no disappointments. The scenes of New York, aerial views of Central Park, the Brooklyn Bridge, neighbourhoods in The Village are still and always will be magical. I reckon this is one of those chick-flicks that every single female,be them single, married, divorced, jilted, in the perfect relationship would be able to identify with. I say this with the greatest of confidence because the resounding theme throughout the movie was the on-going, lifelong search for that elusive phenomenon called LOVE, which brings me to my next point....

Love..... everybody wants to fall in love! Everybody wants to belong to someone have their life mean something to someone else. But nothing is ever easy or simple with this thing called love. It isn't like the fairy tales.... or then again may be it is, the only difference is that in Cinderella and Snow White, we never hear of what happens after Prince Charming rescues the damsel in distress and kisses her as they ride off into the setting sun. Would our lives feel less lived in, less tangible, if we never found true love??

Love... they say it conquers all. John Lennon sang that "Love is All You Need". I used to believe that with all of my heart, but as the years glide by and I watch so many friends break up and break down, many not for the lack of love... I am beginning to question that ideal. Is love really enough??? Why is it that so many a time, people find the love of their lives, their soul mates.... but always end up having to say goodbye to it and inevitably end up settling for the next best thing???
I wish it were simple.

Love... it is a funny thing......I hope you all experience great love in your lives... you know, the stuff movies are made of.I hope you'll make a connection so imperfectly perfect with that one other person on this earth that it takes your breath away.
Maybe it lasts a day, 2 weeks....(and for the lucky ones, a lifetime).... but you would have had that euphoric flight, and it will always be apart of you... until the end of time.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Grey's gift

Tonight I recall a long and drawn out conversation once had a long time ago with a friend.A conversation that contrasted in opinions and beliefs.... one that did not draw resolve,only an amicable agreement to disagree.

Tonight, I remember one particular conflict-
He said: "There are NO such things as closed chapters!!
She said:"There has to be some form of closure to everything, where matters/feelings are neatly put away in a little box,kept shut!

Alas! How ignorant and naive was I!!!

Tonight,as recent happenings of 2 weeks past trigger recollection of a particular thread in the tapestry of my life,one that spans the length of 10 years, I am slapped in the face by the stark fact that there are some chapters that can never be closed and that there are certain facets of life that will NEVER be simple, or neat, or just black and white.
...and for an individual who HATES THAT COLOUR,and doesn't know how to deal with the greyness in between, the slaps are on repeat!

With all that said however, I have to sheepishly admit (to resounding echoes of "I told you so"),that sometimes GREY IS GREAT!
Grey gave 2 people a chance at something pretty sweet and amazing. Something that was thought to have been lost forever, lost many years ago, amidst silence and fear. Don't get me wrong, I am still trying to find my footing as I tread this new ground.
Its scary as fuck, it has it's thrills,its lovely... its a bittersweet limbo that I find myself suspended in.

Grey can never be understood, or boxed into a definition, or cerebralized (if that's even a word). She plays an unfair game, where we will never be able to touch her, but she has us all wrapped around her finger. She is witch, angel, reality and fantasy. She force feeds us hope and faith, because lets face it, without that, we'd all drown!

For now, I am eternally grateful to Grey for her gift of possibility....a possibility that exploded into the perfect reality!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

until sunrise

It is 2 in the AM, closing time, and she has lost most of her games of pool.... in style I might add, although there maybe parties who beg to differ.
They lay the cue sticks and the banter to rest, and head home.... only instead of home, life has other plans for 2 friends who are trying to make up for lost time.
In the early hours of the morning, a conversation that beheld many more conversations ensued.... atop the bonnet of a car, under the blanket of a cloudless sky, whose stars were drowned out by the scattered street lights of the neighbourhood.

Such conversations that pierced through the superficial were known to occur from time to time throughout the years, but this time round, it hit bone!

Its now 5.30, the sky is slowing waking up to another day, and heavy eyes yearning to escape into the solace of sleep force temporary goodbyes.

Moments like these come by only every so often, like Haley's comet... and even though there is a very real possibility that it may never happen again, what does it really matter?!

She was there, she lived that moment... all the way till sunrise!

Monday, April 28, 2008

the blue between

Blue is the colour,
That separates her from another.
It is by these tides,
That she must abide.

Blue is the shade,
Before which the questions are laid.
What might have been or could have been,
Who's to know that which cannot be forseen?

Blue is the continual flow,
Of prose that sets a heart aglow.
It is the best gift that she can endow,
For all else is disallowed.

Blue is a reminder of a love that quietly exists,
A love that may never be known, but will always persist......
As a reflection only seen,
In infinity, that is the blue between.

-karen l-

Saturday, April 19, 2008

for lack of any thoughts....

Some folks like to get away,
Take a holiday from the neighborhood.
Hop a flight to Miami Beach or to Hollywood.
But I'm takin' a Greyhound on the Hudson River line.
I'm in a New York state of mind.

I've seen all the movie stars in their fancy cars and their limousines.
Been high in the Rockys under the evergreens.
I know what I'm needin', and I don't wanna waste more time.
I'm in a New York state of mind.

It was so easy livin' day by day
Out of touch with the rhythym and blues
But now I need a little give and take
The New York Times, the Daily News.

It comes down to reality, and it's fine with me cause I've let it slide.
I don't care if it's Chinatown or on Riverside.
I don't have any reasons.
I left them all behind.
I'm in a New York state of mind.

It was so easy living day by day
Out of touch with the rhythym and blues
But now I need a little give and take
The New York Times, the Daily News.

It comes down to reality, and it's fine with me cause I've let it slide.
I don't care if it's Chinatown or on Riverside.
I don't have any reasons.
I left them all behind.
I'm in a New York state of mind.

I'm just taking a Greyhound on the Hudson River line.
Cause I'm in a, I'm in a New York state of mind

new york state of mind
-billy joel-