its a love/hate thing

Yesterday, I walked out of the hospital gates a Junior House Officer (JHO), and this morning I walked back through those same gates as a Senior House Officer,(SHO). What a difference a day makes eh...... for that matter what a difference 3 letters make,but I am still the same me... maybe a little tougher... maybe a little braver. It's been a year since I graduated, a year spent in the trenches.... only a year, and all off a sudden I'm a senior.... the lowest in the hierarchy of seniors, but a senior all the same. Holy Crap... are the words that come to mind, as I try and grapple with the responsibility that comes with these 3 letters. Sure the learning curve over the last 12 months was on an escalation of exponential dimensions, and I'm glad to be done with it........but still HOLY FRIGGIN CRAP!!!!

Anyways, with all that said..... This last year as an intern has been the best and the worst ... errr say 40-60%.... maybe 30-70.... nahhh 40-60!

Of my patients.....
I've met people from all walks of life.... mostly from the more worse off walks of life.
I've seen how physical pain can break a grown man down to his knees, crying his pain away.... only it won't go away!
I've been apart of a 3-women a side team trying to hold a drunk in withdrawal whilst someone else tried to cannulate him..... that was a long morning!
Thinking back, there were some pretty heavy conversations as well. Between an elderly lady who was vomitting 500-1000mls of fresh blood every night. Endoscopy to look for the source of the bleed and plug it was attempted,but unfortunately, because she was too frail and carried excess baggage of other co-morbidities, she very nearly suffered a respiratory arrest. As one might imagine, any subsequent ideas to invasively investigate/intervene was abandoned, and blood transfusions was a temporary reprieve. So there she was, stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea.
How do you explain to an 90 year old that it would not be possible to keep giving her blood indefinitely?? How do you ask someone whether she would allow us to stop with transfusions..... and essentially let her die. We did ask explain the situation and we did ask the question.... and in return, she pleaded with us to continue and not to give up .... "Miracles do happen.... and there's so much I want to see and do still", was what she said to me, with eyes that reflected infinite hope! What do you say to that?
She passed away in her sleep over that weekend.

Its not been all grim and gore..... I've had a great many laughs with some of them. Elderly folk can be soooo cheeky and some of them have the most mischievous sense of humour. They'll flirt with you and call you 'a real doll'.... and when you've been working 13 hour every day for the last week, this little gesture goes a long way... a really long way :)


Of my colleagues....
I have had the privilege to work alongside some pretty amazing consultant physicians. Special mention goes out to 'Prof'.....old-school through and through, this man is a legend, and I had the honour of being on his ward rounds and watch him practice medicine. That was pretty sweet I have to say. Standing in the presence of such greatness, imbued me with hope that maybe one day I might be as good a doctor (or somewhat close) as 'Prof' is.....just maybe eh?!

With all that said..... there are still those days, when I hate my job.. the politics... the snark.... the hostility... the impatience....the feeling that alot of the time you're walking on egg shells. And then I recall my parents warning me all those years ago that this was a 'tough one' to sink your teeth into... but at the same time it can be the best thing in the world. It is at these points of exasperation and frustration that I think.... maybe I should have gone all the way with ballet, or become a writer.. or something..... anything but medicine.

Why put oneself through all the angst and stress and sleep deprivation and.... and stress... FOR WHAT?????
I've asked myself that question again and again and.....again..... and I have yet to divine as answer.
Maybe I never will....

All I know is this... that there will be those dark moments when I'll curse the day I chose to become a doctor..... and there will be the better days when I'll think to myself,"Man.... this really is AWESOME.... this being a doctor thing!